Monday, February 29, 2016

Leonardo Dicaprio's Oscar Statue Reported Stolen


LOS ANGELES - The LAPD told MFNS they are investigating a break-in at the posh home of Academy Award winner Leonardo Dicaprio. Mr. Dicaprio reported to authorities he was victim of a home invasion early Monday morning, and his Academy Golden Oscar Statue was stolen. 

According to shaken and bloodied Dicaprio, after arriving home about 4:30 am from the Academy Award after-parties, two individuals described by Dicaprio as ski-mask wearing California Black Bears forced their way into the residence and proceeded to rough up Dicaprio, destroyed his DVD of 'The Revenant', crapped on the kitchen floor, then ran away with his Oscar Statue. 

The LAPD spokesman refused comment on rumors Dicaprio was sodomized by the bears, but witness at the scene told us Mr. Dicaprio held a death grip on his belt buckle and declined repeated request from officers to sit during the interview and investigation.