Sunday, August 31, 2014

Walmart to Greatly Expand Services to Walmartians

Following weeks of intense consumer profiling and sophisticated demographic trending, Walmart customers can soon expect to get far more from their local Supercenter than just a pedicure, a tire change and a greasy bag of chicken gizzards.  According to sources familiar with jelly shoes and baby-daddies, over the next several months the mega-retailer is expected to unveil countless new services to its empire.

Image Swiped from the Woodsterman

 In addition to Walmart's already highly successful lineup of pseudo-salons, vision centers, and banks you've never heard of, customers can soon expect to have the added conveniences of bail bondsmen, tattoo parlors and paternity testing kiosks, just to name a few. 

"We also cash government checks and offer convenient money transfers to Mexico,"  said customer service clerk, DJ Chunky as he refunded money for a rancid melon. According to Mr. Chunky , these latest product advancements are largely attributed to consumer reports the company purchased from survey-taking giant, Whorzpuck International, who pay people to fill out surveys. 

In tough economic times, retailers are clamoring for even marginally good ideas, relying heavily upon companies like Whorzpuck and valuing the opinions of people like Maynard Perkins. "The economicals of good surveyin' is widely misunderstanded," explained Perkins,  "and, 'cause I'm real good at fillin' out surveys, that's how come I get paid for the kinds of things I think about." Perkins, a self-proclaimed UFO expert and permanent resident of Sweaty Meadows RV Camp, earns between $2 and $5 per survey, depending on length and eligibility.   

MFNS met up with Buzz Hopper, Walmart's Director of Quasi-Accurate Information, who noted that while a dentist office wouldn't perform well in a Walmart, there does appear to be a high demand for herpes clinics. Hopper further explained that Whorzpuck reports can vary from city to city. 

"For example, in Los Angeles," said Hopper, "Whorzpuck data suggests that Walmart should offer liposuction, ankle lifts and two-for-one mole removal, while, in places like Miami, that demand shifts toward workshops identifying the differences between bath salt and crack cocaine." 

"Rest assured, we remain committed to helping people save money and live better," said Hopper. "And, if that means avoiding incarceration, disproving paternity or testing for herpes, then that's what we'll help them with."