Wednesday, April 3, 2013

North Korean Leader to Release New Autobiography

PYONGYANG - Following in the footsteps of other narcissistic world leaders who write biographies early in life, Kim Jong Un, The People's Republic number one and the son of the late and great example to dictators everywhere, is set to officially release his first mini autobiography next week. 
Middle Finger News was given a very special and exclusive interview in an exotic, mysteriously distant, and often misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK.
The book is indeed a son's loving testament to his father and hero, Kim Jong Il. 
“This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame. In fact, we are having a book burning next week. You should come. You will witness as we raise Father’s legacy in tribute above the flames, gazing on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!”
After a few minutes, Jong Un got back on track and began to touch on a few of the softer, tenderer moments in his life with The Dear Leader.
“Well, the time Dad took me to my first public execution is definitely at the top of my list. We sat together in the warm sun, laughed, and had the best kimchi on the planet. The spice was just right—not too spicy but still spicy. You know what I’m talking about. Now, that was a day to remember.”
The Late Kim Jong Il Inspects North Korean Stick Farm
“And how could I forget the day Father unveiled his matchless might in the form of a high-tech ballistic missile called the T2 - it was then that I realized that I never knew my Father (nor he me) until that day. The head nod he gave me was more than just a signal for me to cut the ribbon—in my mind it signaled the start of a new friendship and era in my life. And I knew that (now, he could come back from the dead and kill me for suggesting this so make sure it’s off the record. No really, he will) behind those dark sunglasses his eyes were tearing up as much as mine.”
“And then there were all those memorable trips we took. Trips to the underground prisons, the above ground prisons, the house prisons, the dungeons, the prisons for the mentally unstable, the prisons for the sane, for traitors, fools, boring people, people whose faces we get tired of looking at, prisons for the old, the sick, the lame, the poor, the homeless, the orphaned, the widowed, the mediocre, the creative, and my personal favorite—the prison for thought criminals!”
This unique glimpse into a charmed life with a dictator-dad through the perspective of an adoring son, though already being placed alongside the greater works of history, will surely be remembered as one of the tenderest memoirs in a long, long while.
Kim Jong Il  Inspects North Korea's Strategic Toilet Paper Reserves
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