How to tell if you might be involved in the Petraeus Affair
As the Petraeus scandal widens day by day, and in response to a high volume of panicked phone calls from the general public, the C.I.A. has published a new informational brochure entitled “How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal.”
The C.I.A. rushed to produce the brochure after it became clear that as many as one in one thousand Americans may have some involvement in the Petraeus affair.
“A lot of average folks out there are worried that they might somehow be involved in it without knowing,” says Gale Wicker, director of the C.I.A.’s public-information office. “This booklet should clear up a lot misunderstandings”she said. It includes a “simple, user-friendly checklist” that should help people determine whether they are at risk for being implicated in the scandal. Here is a sample from the brochure:
“Have you ever met David Petraeus? Have you ever been alone with David Petraeus? Have you ever received and/or sent shirtless photos of an F.B.I. agent? Have you ever exchanged e-mails with Jill Kelley? (Under one thousand pages of e-mails and you’re probably O.K., but anywhere between five thousand and fifteen thousand pages of e-mails could potentially mean you're involved in some way). Have you or anyone else ever yelled "INCOMING" while in the act of making love? Are there any unusual clicking sounds on your telephone line? Do you see strange white vans parked near your home?
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said today that he expected the Petraeus scandal to wind down by early 2015 but would not commit to an official timetable.
Also, former President Bill Clinton today issued a denial of any knowledge of Paula Broadwell or Jill Kelley, just in case.