Sunday, October 7, 2012

Diogenes' Sunday Storytime

The Freakin Story Lady is in Da House!
So Set Yo Ass Down and Shut Up, Cause I'm Gonna Tell Ya a Story!

The Freakin Story Lady
Nasty Bidness I tell ya!

How do Fairy Tales really end?
You can believe me, Mavis The Story Lady, when I tells ya not all Fairy Tales are this "Happily Ever After" sh*t, know what I'm sayin?
You ever wonder what happened to Jack after that beanstalk episode? Ever hear again of the three bears after Goldie Locks got her carry permit? Hummm? And Ever wonder what happened to Alice after trampin around Wonderland doin all kind of mind altering sackidelic pills? And Lordy Jesus I can't even mention what happened to da Frog Prince. Mavis is tellin aint pretty! No sir.

Todays Story:  
" Rumpleystiltskin "
By the Freakin StoryLady.

Listen Up. Once upon a time, there was this miller's daughter or sumpthin like that named Twanda. Now Twanda had a pathetic existence. All day long, she would do nuttin but spin straw. And all night long, she'd sit up and think how she would like to be famous. Oh, to be famous, with untold riches and mens falling at her feets, her own line of action figures, cardboard standees ........ 

Then one night.... POOF..... a strange little man appeared before her.

"Sista" he said,"I can make ya famous overnight!"
"Who are you?"
"I am what is known as a PR man", he squeaked. "You know, public relations. Publicity. Fakery. Glamorize the unglamorous. Turn the pedestrian splendorous. Now let's see. What can you do baby"?
"Oh, I can spin straw."
"Spin straw! I love it baby. Love it".
"What you mean, you love it"?
"Don't interrupt girl. I'm looking for an idea....the spark! Of spin straw into gold"!
But I can't spin straw into...
"Hush up. Don't matter! Don't matter! I'll do the talking. I'll just contact Oprah". 

And so it happened that overnight,
Twanda  did become famous. Gossip pages, talk shows, Anderson Cooper interviews and her own entourage of beefy security men who would beat up fans. 

Of course, nobody had ever seen the gold. But through the PR man's magic, and since it had appeared in all the papers and magazines, all the people believed it. Everyone one of them. Even the king.

Then one day, the king summoned
Twanda  to the castle.
"I understand you spin straw into gold", said the king. "Well, I am going to put you in a room full of my very best straw and have you spin me a heap of your very best gold. Twenty-four karats, please. None of that Ten-karat crap ya see".
"But..." protested
Twanda .
Of course, if you can't, you will be locked forever in my darkest dungeon. And I'm told the humidity down there is awful. Really bad on the hair follicles"

"Not so fast, my good king", said a voice.

Who should it be but the PR man, who had magically popped into the castle. "My client isn't giving gold away, y'know. However, she will spin one room of gold for you on one condition: that if she does, she becomes your wife and, therefore, Da Queen".

The king agreed, and signed on the dotted line. So did
Twanda . And then Twanda  was left to her task."Well, now what da hell am I gonna do?" she whined.
Have I ever let you down, baby?" the PR man asked. And, true to his word, as the girl's eyes widened with amazement, the little man spun a roomful of pure, unadulterated gold.

"And now, my dear, our business ends. You are rich and famous. So until your firstborn comes into the world, I bid you adieu."

Her firstborn?
Twanda  raised her eyebrows. But the little man pointed to the fine print at the bottom of the contract, conveniently providing her with high powered magnifying glass with which she could read it. And sure enough, there it said in black and white that her firstborn child must be given to the PR man. Twanda  wondered if the PR man ever heard of adoption agencies, which would seem like an easier way to get some kin,but it was too late. She had already put her X on it.

About a year later, she popped out a beautiful child of the the king and queen (who looked suspiciously like the castle pool boy). And sure nuff, the little PR man came for the child, according to the contract. What the little man didn't know is that in reading the fine print,
Twanda  found a loophole. "A loophole as big as a Mack Carriage, sucka!" the queen told the PR man. And then she read it to him.

"If the party of the first part (that's me) within 3 days discovers the name of the party of the second part (that be you), the party of the first part shall keep the party of the third part (that's the little kid)!"

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. (Not that it was easy to say mind you.) She spat out dozens of names... from Winfro to Tyrone to Thelonious to Deon... but none of them was right. On the third night, Gladys was in despair, having exhausted all the names she knew. Just then there was a knock at the palace door. And who should come in but a man who has no importance to the plot other other than to get us out of this hole that we're in. He spoke as if he came from a time long, long ago.

"Like.. hey.. man," he said to the queen. "You don't know me, but I got to hip you to some news! Like.. the other day, I'm trippin through this cool forest, when, man.. what do I see but this little freaky lookin Kat singin, 'Ba doo oh bop, she-ram. I am the Rumpleystiltskin man. The king's got his gold. The queens got her fame. And their baby will have my Rumpleystiltskin name."

The Queen said Thank You and he was immediately taken away for psychiatric evaluation.

The next day, when the little PR man appeared again, the queen was ready.

Ba doo oh bop, she-ram. You are Rumpleystiltskin man! So hit the road ya little jerk!

"Ooops," said Rumpelstiltskin. "I really F**ked Up!"....POOF.

And so Twanda  and the King lived happily ever after, and Rumpleystiltskin was never seen in the kingdom again, but did go on to land a job as a image consultant for the democratic party before being indited for fraud, money laundering and tax evasion.

(with apologies to The Brothers Grimm)

Now Storytime's over! GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!