"It's About Angry Rhetoric
That's What We're all About!"
Public calls for a reduction in hate filled and inflammatory political rhetoric on cable news networks have plunged the MSNBC News Channel into utter chaos. A spokesperson warning that such a move could leave the network with pretty much all 24 hours to fill.
Network spokeperson Shadow Pierson-Finkelroy said not to underestimate the giant hole this would create in their programing. “MSNBC without inflammatory rantings would be like The Weather Channel without maps." The network has been in a tooth and nail battle with CNN at the bottom of the cable news ratings.
Ms. Pierson-Finkelroy said MSNBC was preparing for a “worst-case scenario” in which it is pressured to air responsible statements in place of its current bias flame throwing programming. She said "if it comes to that God forbid, we'll just have to air 24 hours of Seinfeld.”
In contrast with Ms.Pierson-Finkelroy's alarming comments, one of MSNBC's most inflammatory hired mouthpieces, Special Ed Schultz took the news of a possible programming change in stride: “If I’m kicked off the air, I’ll just return to my first love: standing in the back of crowded theaters and yelling at people."
But commentator Keith Olbermann was less enthusiastic about the new call for tempered rhetoric: “I finally mustered the courage and got a Obama tattoo like Matthews and now this! And for the first time in my life I won't have anything to write on my hand.” Chris Matthews and Lawrence O'Donnell both took the news badly and were heard ranting and raving in the parking garage about it was all Dick Chenney's fault and that they had friends in high places that won't be happy about all this! Also MSNBC's resident sexually confused commentator Rachael Madow, told ZipWad Magazine, if forced off the air he wouldn't know what to do with all the goofy glasses he wears on air, but was sure he looked sufficiently gay enough to get a job at "The Gap" if need be.
In other cable news developments, CNN confirmed that it was considering dropping Kathleen Parker from its “Parker Spitzer” program, but said it had balked at Elliot Spitzer’s suggestion of “a different woman every night.”