Thursday, December 30, 2010

The First Annual G.T. Awards

It's indeed been an interesting year, and since it's time 
for year-end honors, we're proud to present: 
Diogenes' First Annual Golden Turd Awards.
The soon to be highly coveted G.T.

So without further ado.....envelopes please.   
   
The Padded Resume Award:
Barack Obama.
The more we see him try to be Presidential, the more we see how little actual experience he brings to the table. From “Hope” and “Change” to “Hope we can change Presidents soon.” 


The Flash in the Pan Award:  
Barack Obama’s global presence. 
Since his election, Obama has been touted as a departure from George W. Bush’s “cowboy diplomacy,” which would (according to his followers) bring about America’s return to dignified status in the world community. Of course, that isn’t what happened. World leaders treat Obama as badly, if not worse, than they treated Bush. Even our allies have a hard time taking Obama seriously. A stark contrast to the fawning media coverage of Obama’s European trip when he was running for President, to be sure. 
 
The Stuck on Stupid Award:
Ladies and Gentlemen, We have a tie!
Alan Grayson. (D-Fla.) 
Take a smug Congressman, add a Leftist mean streak to beat the band, and throw in a tone-deaf approach to the electorate…and you’d have a pale imitation of Alan Grayson. He may have been the darling of Leftist radio and TV shows, but he forgot to consider what the electorate wanted him to do and it cost him his job. At least he’ll have a future on MSNBC. 
AND......
Anthony Weiner (D-NY).
With a virtual one man war against Glenn Beck and Goldline, Weiner has shown himself to be arrogant, dismissive of any opinion that doesn’t match his own, and completely in over his head against anyone with a lick of sense. In other words, Democrats have a new Alan Grayson to replace the original after he got booted in the midterm elections for…well, for acting like Weiner is now. At least in Anthony’s case, his last name is pretty accurate for the kind of man he is. 


The Anna Nicole Smith Lifetime Achievement Award:
Christine O’Donnell. 
From cute-as-a-button spoiler in Delaware to cute-as-a-button buffoon, all in the span of a few months. In retrospect, it seems she never quite understood the media environment that came after her and continues to make Joe Biden-sized gaffes at the most inopportune times. And with rumors surrounding her lack of financial acumen (read: potential misappropriation of funds), O’Donnell has certainly set back women in politics significantly. 


The Dan Rather Award for “Excellence” in Media:
Rick Sanchez.  
The former CNN anchor made quite an impact this year, mainly because of his ham-fisted buffoonery. He lost his job at CNN because he said Jews run the media, as evidenced by Jon Stewart. Of course, Stewart caused a stir by pointing out just how vapid Sanchez was and then laughing about it on “The Daily Show.” Here’s a clue for you, Rick. Maybe the reason you were mocked for being such a moron…is because you’re a moron. And now, you’re an unemployed moron because you let your ego get in the way of doing your job. Congratulations, Rick. You’ve earned this award.


The “It Looked Better on Paper” Award: 
Obamacare.  
Any time the government gets involved in health care, the results usually don’t turn out that well (case in point: Medicare). Now, thanks to Obamacare, we’ll all get the same attention to swift, quality customer service in health care that we get at the DMV. And when you get to the bottom of it, Obamacare really doesn’t do anything to address the problems in the health care arena, but does a lot to enrich the very people Obama and his Democrat allies were demonizing throughout the debate over Obamacare. 


Underreported Story of the Year Award:  
The Obama Administration’s bungling of the Gulf Coast oil spill. 
It’s no secret (except to those who still worship Obama) the President lacks certain leadership skills, not the least of which being knowing when to lead. The Gulf Coast oil spill was a ready-made issue he could have used to showcase his leadership, but instead he let others take care of it for him, and they blew it. Sending lawyers and Homeland Security personnel to the Gulf Coast before sending down the EPA? Monumentally dumb. Blaming BP? Dumber still. The photo ops in lieu of actual policy? Even dumber. Pushing for a moratorium of offshore oil drilling? The mother of all stupidity. For you Leftists who think Michael Brown was a disaster for the Bush Administration, he was competent compared to the multiple missteps by the Obama Administration to address the Gulf Coast oil spill. 


Unreported Story of the Year Award:  
The overuse of the race card.
The Left has never been scared to play the race card whenever it was useful to their agenda. This year, anything became an excuse to use the race card. Obama getting criticized? It's because of racism. People opposing the Ground Zero mosque? It’s because of racism. The TEA Party movement gaining favor with the American people? It’s because of racism. And the more they use it, the less effective it became. 



Democrat to Forget Award:  
Nancy Pelosi.
From the first woman to be Speaker of the House to being the first woman to be Speaker of the House who oversaw the wholesale slaughter of her party in a midterm election. Nancy, here’s a clue for you. Maybe the reason you’ll no longer be Speaker of the House come January is because you suck as a leader.


Democrat to Watch Award:  
Harry Reid. 
After retaining his Senate seat and his party retaining control of the Senate, Reid is in a unique position: the only name-brand Democrat with any kind of political clout. President Obama hasn’t used the bully pulpit to bully anyone stronger than BP, and Nancy Pelosi has been relegated to a leadership position with the minority party in the House. It may not help him overcome gridlock, but watching Reid come away from the 2010 elections in the position he’s in now will be great fun indeed. 


Independents” to Forget Award:  
The “No Labels” movement."  
The great irony of the “No Labels” rally recently was they lamented partisanship…while being partisan attack dogs. You guys are about as independent as Michael Moore, but at least you’re as full of crap as he is. 

Missed Opportunity Award:  
The GOP
 For the second year in a row, Republicans completely botched the TEA Party situation. Political operatives on the Right started acting and sounding like Leftists when it came to the TEA Party's influence on the 2010 elections. Instead of taking their concerns seriously, Republicans treated them like lost children needing to be taken home (i.e. back to the GOP voting ranks). They just don't get it. There wouldn't be a need for the TEA Party if Republicans acted like, well, Republicans. Until Republicans get this concept, watch for more missed opportunities with the TEA Party. 


The Helen Thomas Crazyass Anti-Semite Award:  
Helen Thomas
It was unanimous! 

 Congratulation To All of This Years Winners!
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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The 111th Congress: R.I.P.

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica - Dec. 29th, 2010

And Good Riddance!
 The Band of Drunken Sailors With a Blank Check
Known As The 111th Congress, Are Now History!


They did their best to grab more power, to bullshit and run rough shod over the American people with their arrogance, pompous attitudes and displays of liberal superiority, all the while feigning dismay, then anger as the people spoke up with  their dislike of the leftist "we know better" mentality on display all through the first 2 years of the Obama administration. They really believed they were invincible. 

Well, that worked out real well, didn't it? 

I need not go into details here, as their antics are well documented in Pundit&Pundette's  111th Congress: Worst ever? , an excellent roundup of democrat's much ballyhooed version of "Pee on Your Leg and Tell You it's Raining." Check it out or be square.

And then there is Nancy...... 
 
During the Nancy Pelosi’s  tenure as speaker, which commenced on Jan. 4, 2007 with the 110th congress and a promise of fiscal responsiblity, the federal government has run up $5.177 trillion in new debt.  Can you get your head around that number?  That is roughly equal to the total debt the federal government accumulated in the first 220 years of the nation's history, with  $3.22 trillion of that just during the tenure of the 111th Congress.   And the 111th not only has set the record as the most debt-accumulating Congress in U.S. history, it finished with 13% approval rating with the American electorate.  

Back away from the gavel, Nancy. Slowly.

 _______________________________

Monday, December 27, 2010

President's Private Documents Discovered in White House Dumpster.

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec.27th, 2010

Contained in brown paper bag thrown over
the transom at Diogenes' Headquarters 

 

Click Image for Larger View

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Doug Ross 2010 Fabulous 50 Blog Awards

From Doug Ross Journal:
We're pleased to announce the winners of the 2010 Fabulous 50 Blog Awards, the most prestigious new media awards anywhere. Or at least in the 993 area code.
_________________________________________

Diogenes is extremely humbled to be named co-winner of the coveted " Up-and-Coming Snark Blog Award", a  Doug Ross Fabulous 50 Blog Award for 2010. (affluence inside the 318 area code is still to be determined) 

I thank everyone at The Doug Ross Journal for your past recognition and generosity, and trust when the realization of what you've done finally hits you, you won't take the award back!

I find myself in the company of 3 of my favorite websites, namely the crazy and creative gang (ht/BFH) at  iOwnTheWorld, my first read every morning  Pundit & Pundette , and the always "Give it to You With Both Barrels" Weasel Zippers , all highly worthy winners of 2010 Fabulous 50 Awards. Congrats you Guys!

You can see all the 2010 winners here at
The Doug Ross Journal .

...........OK, enough serious stuff for one day........ 
 _______________________

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Michelle Obama’s Christmas List.

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec. 23, 2010
via Parkway Rest Stop

PRS Operatives have managed (Don’t ask) to get a copy of Mrs. Obama’s letter to Santa. Enjoy.
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a really, really good girl this year, if for no other reason than I have managed not to strangle that arrogant, whiny, girlie man that I’m married to. I thought that I wood let you know what I wood like for Christmas. I am confidint that you will leve me these things, because, although my husband may be an arrogant, whiny, girlie man, he could federalize your operation with the stroke of a pen. Keep that in mind, Fatso.

Here goes:

1. Belts, lots of belts — wide belts. You know, the ones that separate my boobs from my ass. Everyone says that my belts are very slimming (even though I don’t really need slimming).

2. A hula hoop. I am a kickass hula hooper and a woman of the Peeps. Just ask any one of my dozens of staff members.

3. When you come by, could you puh-leeze take that pissass dog away with you on the sleigh. He always barks at my mama and shits in my shoes. The Secret Service guys like him, but I hate him

4. Twinkies, Devil Dogs and some killer éclairs. Please wrap these in plain brown wrapper and leave them in the cabinet under the sink. Know what I’m sayin?

5. Could you please hit that Smartass Suzette on the head with a flaming meteorite? I’m tired of redding the terribel things she says about me. If you can’t do the meteorite thing, please leave some reindeer shit under her tree.

6. I really would like a tutu and ballet shoes. People tell me that I look like a ballerina and that I’d look really, totally hot in a tutu. I’d like the tutu in something purple and yellow (sequins would make it really special) and the shoes in size 13 EEEE.

7. I also could use a new – what the hell is it called? – A nine iron, or some shit (Pardon my French,Santa). You see, one day, Himself was bitching and moaning about Fox News and Mama said, “Yo, Bitch! You sound like a big pussy with all that whinin’ ‘n shit!” (Pardon my mama’s French, Santa). She smacked him upside his head with the club and broke it. He tells me he really needs a new one, because he has a golf date with a bunch of Kenyans. Friggin’ Kenyan relatives of his … they show up here at the White House and wipe their asses on the sheets. What the hell was I thinking when I married this mutt? 

8. I’d love a Sarah Palin wig hat. I figure that would get a rise out of Himself.

9. A few Poppers. I hear Himself and that slobbering jackwad Barney Frank talk on the phone about them, but I’m not sure what there are. Please leave me a package so I can see what the hell they are talking about. I somehow don’t think they are party favors.

10. Oh, and could you please find all those people who put my picture on the internet next to the picture of that damned Wookie and leve their sorry asses a lump of coal!. I’m totally freakin hot and those rat bastards know it. Hell, Janet Napolitano once grabbed my ass, and she doesn’t grab just any old ass.

Thanks, Santa.

Reguards,
Your pal (i.e. BFF)
Michelle

P.S. I left some sweet ‘tater pie on the counter (mama made it). Hep yourself.


Thank You Doug Ross for linking.
__________________________ 
 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Just a Gay Ol' Time in the Ranks

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec. 22, 2010

     "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Overturned

Today President Obama signed the law overturning the Clinton era "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, thereby ordering the Pentagon to stop banning openly gay men and women from serving in the military. The law had barred homosexual acts in the military but allowed gay men and women to serve in the armed forces so long as they keep their sexual orientation private. No adverse affects are expected from the change in military policy.

Marine PFC Butch Crotch and his partner Seaman Dan Chokes
 celebrate the signing by firing a 50 caliber gun off the bow 
of a submarine tender soon to be renamed 
the "USS Barney Frank"
 

Open celebrations of the signing by gay personnel  broke out 
all over American Military Installations worldwide Wednesday.

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dog Population Waits Anxiously

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec. 21, 2010

There is Still Unfinished Business 

"I would love to get Michael Vick in the future and  think it would be a big step for me in the rehabilitation process", a Virginia Beach pit bull told a local newspaper.  Several dogs have expressed interest in owning Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. 

Vick, who spent 18 months in federal prison for running a dog-fighting ring, recently expressed a desire to have a dog again. It’s a reunion that many dogs welcome. 
 
 “He served his time, has expressed regret and that’s very important,” said a muscular pit bull, pacing outside Vick’s Philadelphia residence. “But as far as the dog community goes? There is still unfinished business. So, sure, if he’d like to get back together, we are all for it. Name the time and place. We’ll be there waiting.
  
 A PETA spokesman, says the organization is staunchly opposed to Vick being around dogs again. “We support animals at every turn,” she said. “But we are also not anti-human. And we’re pretty sure any dog would go for the throat if Michael Vick were to get near it. We’re just trying to help him out here."

"I even know of teacup poodles who said they’d take him out.”

Those close to Vick are advising him to reconsider.
_______________________________ 

Saturday, December 18, 2010

You Knew it Would Happen Eventually

Posted by Diogenes Scarcastica
Dec.18th, 2010

Facebook Surpasses Masturbation

PALO ALTO, CAL.(SatireWire) - In yet another sign of its growing dominance, Facebook today announced it has surpassed masturbation as the world’s most popular way to kill 10 minutes. In response, Twitter claimed it has surpassed premature ejaculation as the most disappointing way to spend 5 seconds.

 “While our goals are the same, if you look at the numbers, our users spend more time on our service than most people spend on their own… service,” LaBrega said. “Of course we have 99 percent up-time, which masturbation can’t match.”

The news coincides with the naming of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” LaBrega called the timing a coincidence, but industry observers speculate it may be part of Facebook’s long-rumored goal of supplanting masturbation itself as the ultimate distraction.“First there’s the Time cover, the way you can only see Zuckerberg’s face, not his hands, and he’s just staring off into space,” said TechCrunch editor Nelson Schable. “I think we all know that look. Or we’re lying if we say we don’t.”

Then there is the onanistic terminology Facebook uses, Schable continued. “Some of it’s obvious, like how you can ‘tag yourself’ in photos, or ‘post your news on the wall.’ And look at Farmville, at some of the ribbons you try to win. I mean, ‘Knock on Wood?’ ‘Cream of the Crop?’ ‘Lord of the Plow?’
 
LaBrega insisted that Facebook does not claim to be an alternative to masturbation, although she did concede that staring at your computer all day can make you go blind.

In another response to Facebook’s claim, business networking site LinkedIn refused to make any  comparisons, but noted its CEO is named Jeff Weiner.

SatireWire.com 

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Just When You Thought They Couldn't Get Any Crazier....Along Comes Frederica

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
 Dec 16, 2010

Congressional Black Caucus 
Adds a Brand New Lunatic
  
In all the excitement of the Republicans recent election of a majority in the House, this news item has been overlooked. Just when you thought the Congressional Black Caucus had its full quota of lunatics, along comes flamboyant newly-elected Florida Rep. Frederica Wilson.

Wilson’s first goal will be to overturn a rule that blocks her from wearing a hat on the House floor. The freshman Democrat is going to press incoming House Speaker John Boehner to overturn the rule, which dates back to the 1800s, or at least to make an exception for her.   It’s unclear whether Boehner, who  will likely have plenty of priorities ahead of a rule-change request from a member of the opposition party, could do anything shy of a full floor vote to overturn the House’s hat ban. Wilson doesn’t own just a hat or two. By her count, the former Florida state House member owns at least 300 different hats, including custom-made sequined cowboy hats in virtually every color of the rainbow. Her hat collection is so massive, it takes up an entire room of her house, according to the Miami New Times. “I’ve been wearing them almost 30 years. It’s like a fetish.”
  
Its nice to see that Wilson has her priorities straight and that her first order of business will be taking care of her fetish. Wilson will undoubtedly be warmly welcomed to the CBC by fellow lunatics   Sanford Bishop, Keith Ellison, Chaka Fattah, Alcee Hastings, Eddie Bernice Johnson, Hank Johnson, Barbara Lee, Sheila Jackson Lee and Maxine Waters.

She ought to fit right in. 

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Friday, December 10, 2010

The Lefties are in Revolt

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 10, 2010

A Sanctimonious Bastard Speaks 

Richard Fernandez (Belmont Club)
Keith Olbermann goes ballistic on hearing that President Obama didn’t raise taxes. Basically Keith calls the president a low-down, plate-licking, dime-pinching, two-faced, snake oil salesman for not raising taxes just when the economy needs it most. That’s the polite version.


You’ve got to feel for President Obama. Olbermann didn’t hear the president say that the American people had been taken hostage by the evil conservatives. Despite the fact the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate and the presidency, they did this. Somehow. And he had no choice but to capitulate. President Obama is the kind of guy who owns up to responsibility. They made him do it.
"There is only one possible rational explanation for this irrational and childish transaction. There are Republicans and Tea Partiers who are still intent on cutting off their noses to spite their faces — the “Blind Rage Conservatives” for whom any compromise is disaster, just as for this President, apparently no compromise is disaster." 

You can read Olberfart's full tirade at Belmont Club.
____________________________

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sainthood Put on Hold

Posted by Publius Minimus
Dec.8, 2010 
  
The Vatican Hesitates  on Shortcut  
 (Rome) A Vatican spokesman said today that reports of the proposed Sainthood for U.S. president, Barack Obama having been shelved for now are indeed true, but his Holiness the Pope  will review it again in about five or ten years. The Holy See has decided to review it at a much later date on order to see if Mr. Obama can pull off a few extra miracles, besides the one of himself getting elected. 

 Aides to Obama have begun intense investigation to find  if there were any previous deeds that Obama has done in the past that could coincide with the requirements of the Vatican.  
 Obama Clearly Seen Miraculously Floating Among  
 Competitors During a Recent Basketball Game 
    
Witness claims of previous miracles his staff have uncovered for consideration include Susan Bobelheid, an NBC reporter's claim of Obama miraculously turning a 73% voter approval rating in 2008 into 38% today.  And CNN reporter Biff Spittle says no one can deny a miracle when watching Obama dazzle audiences with his teleprompter reading skills.   

Mboto Chunka, a New York City cab driver also claims Obama actually hailed a cab and was picked up in all-white Bensonhurst, NY.  

 The Vatican has promised to research all claims of miraculous acts performed by Obama and will issue a white paper report in the year 2020, though some believe it could be as early as 2019. 

 FOX News commentator Bill O'Reily even offered his support by claiming, “If his party wins anything in the next election, that would be a real miracle.”
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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Hillary Clinton to U.S. Diplomats: STFU

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 6, 2010

Secretary of State Orders Diplomats to Stop Being Truthful Until Further Notice

(Washington D.C.) The massive fallout from the last weeks WikiLeaks disclosures has prompted the State Department to take drastic measures to insure the safety of communications and cables between it's embassies and Washington. Among the steps to be taken  is  all U.S. diplomats are ordered to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has told reporters off the record they are working to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again, but until we they have got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.  

 Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major political donors to the Democrat party with long careers in the business world and that lying shouldn't be a difficult  for them at all. But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs. 

Additionally, Clinton said, the State Department would install on all diplomats’ computers new software called CandorShield, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version. For example, the software would translate the phrase “two-faced weasels” into “trusted Pakistani allies” and would delete all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as “Monsieur Shorty Pants.”

______________________________ 
 

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A letter from Nancy Pelosi

Posted by Publius Minimus
Dec 4, 2010
from Beautiful Letters
 From the Desk of the Honorable 
  Speaker of the House of Representatives:


Dear American People, 

Well, you went and did it, didn't you, you bunch of arrogant rednecks! Here I've been busting my cute little can for the last four years to undo all the damage that deranged cowboy Bush and his Republican cronies did to this country, and what do you do but take away my Speaker's gavel. As if you have any right! I worked hard all my life to get where I am, and you took it away just because you were mad at that amateur hour clown Obama! 

Well, you're about to find out that two can play at that game. You may have stolen the Speaker's chair from me for now, but I'll get it back in two years. Oh, and get a load of this. I'm STILL speaker RIGHT NOW. So who's going to pay? You are, that's who, you ungrateful, inbred bunch of Palin worshiping troglodytes! You think you can rob me of what's mine and not pay a price? Have I got news for you, America. Right now you've stolen what's mine by right. You took my gavel.

  
 Well you know what they say about payback, and here she comes on high heels and carrying an ice pick. You think it's funny that you took my job? Well I've got your middle-of-a-recession tax hike right here, you yokels. You think unemployment is bad now? By this time next year you'll be wishing it was just fifteen percent. I've got a lame duck session to work with, and I'm going to use it to put the screws to you like you didn't even know was possible. Your taxes are going up and your jobs are going away, and you've got nobody but yourselves to blame for it. You took my job and now I'm taking yours. 

You people thought you were so clever and funny on election night, didn't you? Well who's laughing now? I can't wait to see the looks on your faces when you see those new withholding amounts on your pay stubs. I can't wait to see you crying in the street when all your precious small businesses shut down. Mom and Pop stores? They're popped. And it's your fault for taking what was mine. 
 

So look at this America. I don't get mad, I get even. And right now this "lame duck" session is going to cripple this whole country on its way out. So laugh it up, you hick racists. Because she who laughs last laughs best. And while you're all in the unemployment line, I'll still be sitting pretty here in Congress, just waiting for 2012 to take back what's rightfully mine. And by then you'll be all too happy to give it to me, won't you? See you then, losers.


Sincerely, 

Once and future Speaker of the House San Fran Nan


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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The 2011 TSA Pin-Up Calendar

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 1, 2010

This official 2011 TSA Pin-Up calendar features 12 stunning beauties who are sure to stimulate your own personal enhanced pat downs every month. Each month features a new, hot and steamy body scan of one of the TSA’s favorite flyers.

And don’t forget – the official 2011 TSA Pin-Up Calendar makes an excellent Christmas gift! So order yours today!


TSA's Miss January 
Miss January helps put the X in X-ray. When she 
travels on business, the pleasure is all ours.
_____________________ 
  
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