Allegations Swirl Around Romney Campaign

Middle Finger News - The Romney campaign was dealt a serious blow tonight after his win in the Nevada Caucus. The former Governor and presumptive front runner found himself facing startling accusations of sexual impropriety going back to before his days as Massachusetts Chief Executive. Even more surprising than the actual allegations that were leaked to the press was the source of the information: Mitt Romney himself.

"I've had sex, like, five times," Romney said at a press conference to address the charges. "I mean, granted, I haven't had it since 1980 or '81, but still - that's a lot. I almost can't count that on one hand. And every single time I've had sex, it has resulted in a child. Every. Single. Time."  Romney fell short of defending his past indiscretions but was unapologetic when reporters pressed for details about the mothers of his children, saying he actually impregnated the same woman over and over and "would do it again in a heartbeat." Romney said that unlike an un-named  former competitor of his, he could remember every detail of each sexual fling, but he's now a changed man.

"My magic underpants have been firmly in place for over 30 years now," Romney told the press. "They may be a bit tattered, a bit worn, kind of like my campaign, but also like my campaign, they have a lot of support and cover my ass. This political season we need support from all areas and nothing gives you more of a lift than magic underpants. If we leave it to the Democrats, they will lead us down a path of big government, big taxes, and big skid marks."

Romney's wife Ann has yet to make any formal statement regarding the allegations, although she was overheard telling a friend, "Five times? Mitt? I assume he didn't mean all at once." Rommey family friends say Ann Romney plans to stand by her man. "You better believe Ann knows all about Mitt's sordid sexual past," said one family friend who asked not to be identified. "But she's not going to let some dirty old pair of magic underpants stand between her and the White House, that's for sure. "Ann's like the Latter Day Saints' Hillary Clinton," one friend noted.

Upcoming Presidential Candidate and major challenger to Rommey's candidacy,  Linden Borden, issued a statement on the whole torrid affair, but due  to the language we are unable to repeat it here.  

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Romney Refuses Debate Challenge

Says No! to Linden Borden's Offer for Debate

Middle Finger News - After once again being shut out of the Republican Presidential debates Sunday, up and coming candidate Linden Borden challenged Mitt Romney to a series of one on one  Lincoln–Douglas style debates on Borden's own turf, the frozen shores of Lake Superior. 

At a press conference Sunday when asked about the matter, Romney immediately said no to Borden and told Middle Finger News "Who is this crazy boat builder from Minnesota anyway? I'll bet you $10,000 he doesn't know his ass from the Department of Energy!"

Fox News Liberal commentator, Bob Beckel told us ignoring Borden could be a mistake. "When I look at this piss poor field of Republican Candidates, Borden is ...burp...a standout to me. This guy is dangerous to the front runners. His strategy is to take them out one at a time and Mitt is his target for the moment." Beckel continued "Besides, with a good size ax I've seen this guy power through a California Redwood like it was butter....burp..."

When contacted today, The Romney camp refused any futher comment on the matter other than saying they have prior commitments that would stand in the way of debate dates.

In an unrelated story, police were called to the Romney home early this morning after they found ever single tree on the Romney Family Estate in Massachusetts had been cut down and hauled off during the night. 
Story Developing......   

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GOP Primary Candidate Linden Borden Tops New Hampshire Poll

 Middle Finger News Service - As predicated in our earlier primary endorsement, third tier candidate, Linden Borden, has started his march to the front of the GOP primary pack.

In a non-scientific poll of kinda likely Conservative voters in New Hampshire which asked "if you could pick anyone or anybody to replace Barack Obama and become the next President, who would you pick?" Borden finished well behind N.J.Governor Chris Christie, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and Long Dead 2 term President, Ronald Reagan, none of who are running, but finished just ahead the undeclared Republican Star Sarah Palin in the poll.

Borden, listed as "A Shiny Metal Object " in the poll because of the exposed metal plate in his head, a result of an ax catching competition accident as a young man, finished ahead of all the first tier candidates now in the race. The only candidate to garner a major endorsement in New Hampshire so far, Newt Gingrich, objected to the methodology of gathering their polling results, claiming large, hatch wielding men with Borden for President T-shirts on were accompanying the pollsters. We have no reports to verify his claims.

Linden Borden for President Campaign Website

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Linden Borden for President

Editorial

From the Board of Diogenes' Middle Finger

Linden Borden is a Harry Truman type character. Only five foot two inches in stature, but of strong Viking stock, the Presidential Candidate is a self-sufficient small businessman; a boat builder by trade from the wilds of Minnesota. His business savvy and understanding of the needs of small business is sorely missing from the present field of GOP candidates. Sure, there are Tax Lawyers, moneyed Ex-Governors, wealthy Ex-Congressmen and even a Space Cadet vying for the nomination, but we feel Mr. Borden is heads above the rest of the field.

His strong suit is his understanding of simple economics: You can't spend more than you take in. Borden knows how to wield a mean ax, and plans to lay waste to the bloated federal budget and stop the idiotic wasteful spending. The present field of candidates see billions as chump change, Linden Borden sees that as the problem. 

We share Borden's distaste for the front running top tier candidates and their childish infighting and pandering performances at the debates, while allowing an "off the wall Ron Paul and an overgrown Q-Tip like Newt Gingrich" on stage and denying Mr. Borden time to state his platform, is egregious in our eyes.

We feel Mr. Borden is scary enough to get congress in-line and threating enough to keep our enemies at bay. We know he will not have any empty sexual harassment allegations leveled at him as some candidates have because as far as we know, no women has gone near him in years. The almost unbelievable ground swell of support we witnessed on College Campuses as well as in Bingo Parlors and Burger Doodles all over New Hampshire last week make us believe the third tier candidate is poised to explode in a major breakout and run to the front, leading the pack into the early primary contests. All across the state, from the prestigious environmentally conscious, cutting edge 'Cannabis Technological Institute' to the 'New Hampshire School for the Blind and Infirm', and the historic 'New England Academy for Wayward Nymphomaniacs', we witnessed rallies and grassroots support we haven't seen since the Dukakis campaign.

We at Diogenes Middle Finger think it's Linden Borden's time to shine, and wholeheartedly endorse his campaign for President.

He has surrounded himself with some impressive advisers, the likes of the eccentric but knowledgeable Professor Ichabod Butouski of the Minnesota State Junior College Physics Department, Will Profit, Chief Editor and CEO of Capitalist Preservation and Texas State Chairman for CTFBA (Cut the F**king Budget Already Campaign), Snags Fitch, Grand Lizard of the St. Paul Masonic Elks Optimist Club and Sunshine Butts, contemporary poet and rummage expert. His intended Cabinet nominees we find also impressive. Announced as his potential Commerce Secretary is English born Marvin Ashcott Hayes, the somewhat eccentric Minnesota Tampon Magnate, and for Transportation Secretary, Link Pisner, former biker and expert on the nation's roads and highway system.  

On Foreign Policy, we here at Diogenes Middle Finger do not agree with Candidate Borden's insistence on nuking Guatemala in retaliation for his 1981 conviction (later overturned) for importing Toupees made from hair of endangered species, but feel his views will be tempered by his choice for Secretary of State, Klash Bazbo, who should be over the ugly head wound suffered in a Viking Raid reenactment on a Wisconsin girl's school, and out of physical therapy in time to be confirmed in 2013. The only possible problem we see with presently announced Cabinet choices in Congressional Conformation Hearings could be the pick for Attorney General, Vincent “The Knee" Pelotso. Mr. Pelotso is a businessman and expert on Law and the Federal Correction System, having been through it many times. 

 The Editorial Board of Diogenes Middle Finger believe it's time to cut the crap and get the country back on track. We also believe this is the first and most important endorsement of The Linden Borden for President Campaign, with many to follow in our steps. 

Here is the Official Linden Borden Campaign Website

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Gop Presidential Candidate Linden Borden: "I will win the 18 -25 year old vote."

Capitalist Preservation News Wire - Speaking in New Hampshire Wednesday, Linden Borden announced he has picked up a key endorsement from the student union at 'Concord Cannabis Tech.' Mr Borden stated he is thrilled his alma mater is throwing their support his way. 

Concord Student Union President Marty 'Cotton Mouth' Palazetti said, "That dude will probably be a better dude than the dude who is ...the current dude...or whatever". Marty is a sixth year Pharmacology student at "Ole Cannabis" and is captain of the rolling team.

Palazetti says he almost has a faint interest in politics and current events.  He is also is pictured on Borden campaign posters that have sprung up throughout New Hampshire.

Cross Posted at CAPITALIST PRESERVATION

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