Kerry Sustains Wounds In Switzerland

 Middle Finger News Correspondent Earl of Taint Reporting:

Lausanne, Switzerland - Secretary of State John Kerry was pulled out of the Iranian nuclear negotiations on a stretcher today after he was reportedly “bitch-slapped” severely by the Iranian delegation and then de-pantsed. Additionally, his latest injuries mark his third time to be wounded in-theater*, earning him his (world record) sixth self-awarded Purple Heart and a golden ticket back to the States. - READ EARL'S FULL REPORT HERE