(Kiev) - Ukraine is planning to deploy large numbers of flamboyantly gay men along the border with Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently preparing to enter the territory.
According to our sources, this “gay army” will be armed only with Glow-in-the-Dark Dildos and Multi-Caliber Butt Plugs. Their mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible causing the homophobic Russian Army to flee back to its homeland.
A military spokesman in Kiev told MFNS:
“Ukraine is a small country. We don’t have a lot of tanks or battleships. And we stupidly gave up our nuclear weapons in the 1990s. But we still have plenty of gays, and if there is one thing Russians fear more than atomic warfare it’s explicit displays of homosexuality.
“It will start small. Just a simple show along the border with a few hundred shirtless men. But once the Lady Gaga starts blasting, things are gonna get wild. Hopefully all the pumping, grinding and gyrating will have them headed back to Moscow."Russian soldiers have occupied the Crimean peninsula following a revolution in Ukraine which swept a pro-European government to power. Moscow claims it is simply safeguarding the interests. But interviews with the occupying forces suggest that Ukraine's new strategy just might do the trick. "I can take bullets. I can take bombs. but if I have to watch gay people prance along the border all day, I’m going home" said Russian soldiers we talked to.
Recruitment for the campaign has reportedly been strong, with nearly half of Kiev's gay male community signed up for the patriotic task of defending Ukraine from aggression. Victor, a 34-year-old hairdresser told us, "My partner and I are marching together and we're bringing a full set of butt plugs. I can't wait."