Friday, March 7, 2014

Crazy Bernie Considers Run for the W.H.

Senator Bernie Sanders (Karl Marx -VT)

Everyones favorite wild eyed hair on fire 60's leftover and socialist congress critter, Bernie Sanders, is considering a run for the highest office in the land. Sanders has been critical of Hillary Clinton who is viewed as the perennial front-runner for the Democratic nomination if she runs in 2016. He told Time that, "if you talk about the need for a political revolution in America, it’s fair to say that Secretary Clinton probably will not be one of the more active people."

Always on the ideological fringe, Sanders is an outspoken member of the Global Warming Cult and is a rabid critic of any thing or idea right of center. Sanders is one who regularly rails against Big Business (who helped elect him) and Big Banking (but voted for the bailout called the Obama Stimulus).  His fans and followers call him a deep thinker and Philosopher. 

"Sanders has begun talking with savvy progressive political strategists, traveling to unexpected locations such as Alabama and entertaining the process questions that this most issue-focused member of the Senate has traditionally avoided. Do you hear that? We've already missed Bernie Sanders in Alabama. 
Bernie Sanders in Alabama!
I may as well have been looking away when the Loch Ness Monster breached the surface!"


The good people at Ricochet have come up with a platform for ol' Bernie to help kickstarter his campaign and paint on his Volkswagen campaign bus which include:

* All farm subsidies redirected towards the cultivation of patchouli.
* ObamaCare insurance coverage mandates revised to include heavier emphasis on healing crystals.
* As a cost-saving measure, "Hail to the Chief" now played at presidential events exclusively by Joan Baez on autoharp. 
* Gay marriage legalized nationwide by executive order. Heterosexual marriage repealed in favor of "going wherever the wind takes you."
* Taking logical next step on sensible recommendation of Al Armendariz, EPA to begin utilizing actual crucifixions. 
* Common Core revised to include section on "areas where Howard Zinn didn't go far enough."
* Abandoning traditional National Security Strategy document, grand strategy now formulated with "really chilled out vision board" 
* Carbon emissions reduced by overhaul of national automobile fleet to foot-pedaled Flintstones vehicles.
* Every U.S. Army battalion staffed by at least one person responsible for placing carnations in gun barrels.
* NASA budget reallocated to fund nationwide astral projection project.
Run Bernie, Run!