Saturday, February 22, 2014

Olympic Security Issues Alert for Two Possible Suspects

(MFNS) - SOCHI – Just hours before the closing ceremony for the 2014 Sochi  Winter Olympics, Russia has issued an alert for two potential terror suspects. 

Fear swept the Olympic village and surrounding area on the Black Sea as details emerged of the possible terrorist attack by the unlikely combination of two suspects, believed to be Jihadist converts, reportedly from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. The two were identified as Mr. Bullwinkle J. (Abdul) Moose and Rocket J. (Baraq) Squirrel. Russian officials believe their identity may indicate a connection to Canadian separatists.

Russian Security Expert Boris Badenov 

A friend of the two, historical expert Mr. Peabody, said that any terrorist connection was preposterous and “indubitably unprovable.” An e-mail from Mr. Squirrel’s attorney merely said, “Hokey Smoke!”

“We thinking this is classic lone-wolf, err– lone-moose type suicide bomber, world’s greatest no-goodnik,” said Boris  Badenov, a Russian expert on security and espionage who announced heightened security measures to catch the pair. He was joined by Colonel Natasha Fatale of the FSB.

“Security is going so well darling,” Ms. Fatale told reporters, before adding, “until we got word of *&%#@*! moose and squirrel!”

News of this development has only aggravated tensions, as Russian security forces are already under intense scrutiny for failing to catch a pair of Chechen terrorists who planted a cartoonishly-large bomb with a long white wick which failed to detonate at a train station in Volgograd.  When asked how Russian intelligence would prevent any additional lapses in security, Mr. Badenov explained “Fearless Leader says any more screw-ups will result in comrade agents being liquidated!” To help enhance security before the closing ceremonies, Russia has reportedly also enlisted the aid of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.