Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Obama Enlists Help to Fill Key Government Jobs

After President Obama lamented the roadblocks by Republicans he see’s as hindering his filling key spots in his agenda to move it FORWARD, he enlisted the aid of Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, new owner of the Washington Post, to help launch a nation wide non-talent search and hiring by Executive Order.

The White House said the initiative showed Obama’s commitment to finding jobs and getting people back to work just as the “real” unemployment numbers jumped to 14.5%, and 125% for teen age African Americans.(latter figures provided by the Congressional Black Caucus, and verified by the Rainbow Coalition, OWS and OFA)

New Government Employees Receiving Final Instruction Before Assignments

Some of the choice job opportunities include:

Prime Ambassadorships Open for Nigeria, Zimbabwe, and Somalia. - Successful candidate will have rudimentary accounting experience, ability to make change, and basic math skills to understand current rate exchanges. Prior humanitarian experience as Santa during Christmas at Wal Mart, Target, or K-Mart helpful, but not required. Perfect for the activist who thought they’d ‘never be able to afford to go home again!”

Minimum requirement: $500,000 in bundled funds for Organizing for America (OFA), verifiable GED or equivalent, current driver’s license, proficient in cut and run tactics, knowledge of tribal dancing, occasional cannibalism, and community activism.

Reply with black & white photo to
Salary commensurate with aptitude. Will train left leaning person.

Homeland Security Director & 15 other openings! - Candidates will have overbearing personalities, limited management skills, and ability to follow orders from above while inspiring fear and terror in subordinates. English as a second language a plus, but not required. If you were labeled a ‘school yard bully’ these positions are just up your back alley! Imagine your life with a liberal housing allowance, pension benefits worth retiring early for and flying first class to the exotic south west, and the Baja peninsula on a generous per diem for on the job training.

Ability to talk out of both sides of your mouth will count toward Bi-Lingual ability, and preference given for prior experience in seeing the way court system works from ‘the other side.”

Gender determination not required but extra points to candidate who dresses ‘left’.

Future Openings:

Vice President 2016. - Candidate must be affable, able to take a joke, and play straight man to humorless Lesbian President by Acclimation.

Duties to include leaking state secrets for political advantage, blaming administration 8 years ago for continued economic implosion, failed middle east policies, and 225,000 black on black murders resulting in the expansion of voter rolls in Chicago.

Prior experience as stand up comic in Hollywood, prolific fund raiser, and proficient in the proper use of the F word a plus. Hair plugs acceptable but full head (oxymoron) gains advantage for position as Hair apparent. Ability to lie well and willing to fall on sword to protect integrity of regime over scandals assures position and 72 bisexuals somewhere ‘up there,” if there is a God.

Body-Man/Woman 2016 - Tired of the usual dog and pony bestiality you’ve been subjected to on Craigs List? This career opportunity is just right for you!

Successful candidate will be able to go ‘both ways’ depending on the whim of the employer. Able to take a tongue lashing in good humor, willing to degrade themselves doing menial tasks and acting submissive in sexual fantasies.

Non smoker, but ability to tolerate cigar smoke a must! Prior experience in Menages and Cluster F****s required, although will train right candidate on unpaid intern basis.

Computer Savvy required with special credit for Desk Top sex given priority for advancement.

Benefits include monthly blood tests, vouchers for Planned Parenthood, clothing allowance from Victoria’s Secret and Adam & Eve, Tiffany rhine stone collars , autographed copy of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, disposable butt plugs, bust and butt enhancement, and liberal exotic travel.

Reply in confidence for personal interview and audition to Hummer_Hummer_Hummer@white house.orgy.