Friday, August 9, 2013

MSNBC to Offer Sister Channel

MSNBC to Launch Wild and Pointless Speculation Channel

Speculation is rife that MSNBC may create a new 24 hour rolling conjecture channel that gathers together experts in every subject, places them all in one room and forces them to argue endlessly about what will happen next. This follows on the heels of rumors of a new MSNBC talk show starring everybody's favorite loose cannon, angry white guy Alec Baldwin.

‘In an age of 24-hour breaking news the public demand a constant stream of wild and pointless speculation,’ said NBC news  Director of Operations, Tony Hall. "If we don’t do it then people might start speculating for themselves, and who knows where that might end. We have a team of academics already discussing that very possibility."

"There is already far too much empty and useless conjecture based on nothing more than personal opinion at MSNBC,’ said one expert. "No there isn’t " said another.

The new channel is likely to be based in New York, or perhaps D.C, or Atlanta, or maybe somewhere else entirely, with an estimated cost of tens of thousands, or more, or possibly less.   Experts remain divided on the value of the channel dedicated entirely to idle speculation. "There is already far too much empty and useless conjecture based on nothing more than personal opinion at MSNBC,’ said one expert. "No there isn’t " said another.

If the new channel goes ahead, industry insiders predict other news outlets will follow suit. ABC is already said to be working on plans for a vast pundit multiscreen, The Tower of Babble, that will provide a constant backdrop of experts in bow-ties spouting muddled and incoherent opinions while  Diane Sawyer spins round on a rotating pedestal and nods knowingly.

Meanwhile, Channel 4 News in NY has hired numerous New York cabbies to provide a running commentary of ill-informed prejudice to all their stories. If the cabbie isn’t available they also have Alex Jones on stand-by.

Critics point to academic research that shows the ability of experts to accurately predict the future is little better than a blindfold chimpanzee on roller skates throwing darts at a board – which is, coincidentally, the current method of news gathering at MSNBC.