Thursday, April 25, 2013

What Kind of Leftist Are You?

Take COSMO’s Latest Hot Quiz to Find Out!

1. You are at a party when someone jokes that Obama “only celebrates one half of black history month.” What do you do?
A. Explode into a seething ball of rage, point your finger in the jokester’s face, and swear profusely.

B. Be too shocked to say anything. Write an anonymous post on Ask Metafilter when you get home.

C. Laugh nervously, and defend yourself against the girl who starts yelling at you.

D. Look at the cute girl across the room to see how they react.

E. Laugh loudly and continue to drink yourself into a stupor.

2. You find out that one of your coworkers doesn’t support gay marriage. What do you do?

A. Tell everyone in the office that your coworker “hates fags,” loudly complain to HR, make up a fake harassment claim, and try to get him fired.

B. Anonymously complain to HR and write a blog post about it. Wonder how someone can still hold such retrograde views in this day and age. “It’s 2013!”

C. Nothing. The guy may believe in something appalling, but he’s a nice enough guy and you’ve never seen him do anything wrong. Maybe you can befriend him and try to change his mind later.

D. Tell the cute girl in the office that you don’t understand how people can still hold such retrograde views in this day and age. “It’s 2013!”

E. Take the guy out for Chick-Fil-A on his day off.

3. A men’s rights group is holding a meeting somewhere in your general vicinity. What’s the proper course of action?

A. This.

B. Change your facebook profile picture and share an article from Feministing. Difference: made.

C. Eh, whatever. Men's Rights Activist  are stupid, but they have a right to free speech.

D. If you’re a woman, show up to the protest in your underwear. If you’re a guy, loudly communicate your displeasure within earshot of the barista.

E. Go to the meeting.

4. Uh-oh! You meant to take the freeway exit for Sunnyvale Lane, but you accidentally took the exit for MLK Boulevard. What do you do now?

A. Are you INSINUATING that there’s SOMETHING WRONG with MLK BOULEVARD? Huh? Are you SAYING that it’s DANGEROUS or something? These people are UNDERPRIVILEGED and SUFFER FROM RACISM EVERY DAY and YOUR PRIVILEGE is showing, BIGOT!!!

B. Are you INSINUATING that there’s SOMETHING WRONG with MLK BOULEVARD? Huh? Are you SAYING that it’s DANGEROUS or something? These people are UNDERPRIVILEGED and SUFFER FROM RACISM EVERY DAY and YOUR PRIVILEGE is showing, BIGOT!!! *locks doors and rolls up windows*

C. Oh crap, this is a dangerous neighborhood. Let me turn around and get back to the freeway. Good thing I have that pepper spray in the glove compartment…

D. Buy drugs.

E. Oh crap, this is a dangerous neighborhood. Let me turn around and get back to the freeway. Good thing I have that pistol under my jacket…

5. What’s your firstborn’s name?

A. “Medical Waste”

B. Aiden

C. Alexander

D. >Implying I want kids

E. Arianna

6. In what kind of society would you be a conservative?

A. …That’s racist!

B. I believe that the revolution is a state of being.

C. You know, that’s an interesting question. I never thought about that…

D. I dunno. What if I wanted to smoke weed and not go to work? What if I wanted to get laid, man? I think if I could do all those things and still be a conservative, I’d be that.

E. A society with something to conserve.

How Did You Answer?

Mostly A's:

You are a true true believer. You don’t just drink the kool-aid, you chug it straight out of the vat. You're probably in college, have a  Tumblr blog, or working for the Cathedral in some capacity,  a journalist or grad student. If reality mugs you, you'll excuse reality for being underprivileged.


Mostly B's :

 You are a true believer. If aliens observed your behavior, they might conclude you were an undercover klansman who really likes recycling. You love to join left-wing progressive causes whose meetings look like a Norwegian Heritage conference crossed with a Seder.

You feel guilty for being white, but only enough to do some theatrical gesture that makes you feel better. You can explicitly condemn and implicitly endorse an idea without ever being aware of the contradiction. A housing project is just not environmentally sound in your neighborhood!




Mostly C's:

You’re a moderate leftist. You don’t like all that crazy stuff that’s so far out there, but you agree with most of the goals of leftism. Equality is good, human rights are good, but free speech is good too.

Maybe there’s a left-wing or centrist cause you support, but it’s probably nothing to do with identity politics or grievance-mongering. Mostly you just go with the flow.







Mostly D's

You’re a rice leftist. You love the weed, porn, easy sex, low standards, and lack of discipline that leftism demands. You drink the kool-aid because that’s what’s served at the party. If most of the hot chicks/alpha males in your area changed their tack, you probably would as well. You’re just one google search away from becoming a really bitter asshole.








Mostly E's

You're a leftist apostate.  If you had tenure or a trust fund, you'd burn the ears of every other leftist on this list. As it is, you’re probably muddling along, making the right gestures, and hoping the Day of the Rope comes during your lifetime.


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