Thanks to a Freedom of Information Act request, the Center for Individual Freedom have been able to obtain exclusive documents from the White House related to the recent federal sequester cuts. In these documents, a member of the senior White House staff relays instructions for how Obama cabinet officials are to publicly portray the reductions in spending for their departments.
FROM: Senior Staff
TO: Cabinet Secretaries
RE: Sequester Messaging:
Dear cabinet secretary OR unpaid intern who opens cabinet secretary’s mail while he snorkels with solar industry lobbyists in the Caymans.
Unfortunately, recent weeks have revealed that the intractability of Republicans in Congress will likely lead to sweeping cuts to the federal budget as of March 1. Needless to say, forcing the federal government to subsist on $3.5 trillion dollars a year represents an unprecedented exercise in austerity. Preparations are even being made to drop unlimited texting from ObamaPhones.
Over the coming weeks, the messaging of this topic will be extremely important. It is imperative that we let the American people know – in unambiguous terms – how severe the threat is. At times, this may require you to take a message to the public that represents a slight exaggeration of the actual circumstances. This will be done in the interest of the greater good of the American people. Should you have ethical objections, consider yourself welcome to explore your opportunities outside of the Obama Administration. Ask Jon Huntsman how that works out – if you can get a hold of him between the Rotary Club events he’s keynoting.
What follows are Department-specific advisories on both the actual cuts you face and the threatened cuts that you should present to the public:
Department of Justice:
Threatened Cuts: Releasing federal inmates (feel free to make vague “Silence of the Lambs” references); Dropping prosecutions of violent criminals; Converting over to Soviet-style show trials to ease judicial backlog.
Actual Cuts: Halving “Just for Men” budget for Attorney General Holder’s mustache.
Department of Education:
Threatened Cuts: Widespread teacher layoffs; Students forced to fashion own pencils out of lead slabs; Classes now held in forests full of starving wolves.
Actual Cuts: Teacher lounges forced to use Folger’s Crystals.
Department of Health and Human Services:
Threatened Cuts: Reduction in medical services for the chronically ill; Hospice care now provided by prisoners re-entering society; Reintroduction of leeches.
Actual Cuts: Flintstone’s chewable vitamins will no longer include Barney Rubble.